I am no stranger to death. I've lost my maternal grandparents, my father, a couple friends, and at the end of this past November, by mother. Her passing has made me think a lot about death and how to deal with such an unpredictable event and move forward with life. It seems in this modern world that we are meant to accept what has happened and to learn to continue with life as usual without having much time to grieve. In previous centuries, the death of a loved one was taken very seriously, and the bereaved weren't expected to move on within a week, or even a month. Along with this consideration, there were a myriad of rules and etiquette to follow to not only notify others to one's loss, but as a symbolic movement through the stages of grief to eventually allow one to return to normal life.
It is still common practice to wear all black to a funeral, but in the 19th and early 20th centuries(and some centuries before that), the wearing of black was practically mandatory until the bereavement period was over. I have a book from 1895 titled 'Parlor Amusements and Social Etiquette', compiled by G.H Sandison and published by the Christian Herald, New York. Within there are a few pages dedicated to the mourning etiquette of the period:
"MOURNING ETIQUETTE
Death comes to all alike and custom has long established a conventional observance in dealing with the presence of death, in our own homes or elsewhere. In our own country black is worn as the typical attire of sorrow, and it has come to be regarded as a token of respect to the lost one. It is now decreed that crape shall only be worn six months, even for the nearest relative, and that the duration of mourning shall not exceed a year. A wife's mourning for her husband is the most conventionally deep mourning allowed. Bombazine and crape, a widow's cap, and a long, thick veil-- such is the modern English idea. Some widows even have the cap made of black crepe lisse, but it is generally of white. In this country a widow's first mourning dresses are covered almost entirely with crape. There are now, however, other and pleasanter fabrics which also bear the dead black, lustreless look which is alone considered respectful to the dead, and which are not so costly as crape or so disagreeable to wear. The Henriette cloth and imperial serges are chosen for heavy winter dresses, while for those of less weight are tamise cloth, Bayonnaise, grenadine, nuns' veiling, and the American silk.
Mourning is expensive, and often costs a family most than they can well afford; but it is a sacrifice that all gladly make. Many consider it an act of disrespect to the memory of the dead if the living are not clad in gloomy black.
Widows wear deep mourning, consisting of woolen stuffs and crape, for about two years, and sometimes by choice for life. Children wear the same for parents for one year, and then lighten it with black silk, trimmed with crape. Half mourning gradations of gray, purple, or lilac have been abandoned, and, instead, combinations of black and white are used. Complimentary mourning is black silk without crape. The French have three grades of mourning-- deep, ordinary, and half mourning. In deep mourning, woolen cloths only are worn; in ordinary mourning, silk and woolen; in half mourning, gray and violet. In France, etiquette prescribes mourning for a husband--six months of deep mourning, six of ordinary, and six weeks of half mourning. For a wife, a father, or a mother, six months--three deep and three half mourning; for a grandparent, two months and a half of slight mourning; for a brother or a sister, two months, one of which is in deep mourning; for an uncle or an aunt, three weeks of ordinary black. Here, ladies have been known to go into deepest mourning for their own relatives or those of their husbands, or for people, perhaps, whom they have never seen, and have remained for seven or ten years, constantly in black; then, on losing a child or a relative dearly loved, they have no extremity of dress left to express the real grief. Complimentary mourning should be limited to two or three weeks.
The duration of a mourner's retirement from the world has been much shortened of late. For one year no formal visiting is undertaken, nor any gayety. Black is often worn for a husband or wife two years, for parents one year, and for brothers and sisters one year; a heavy black is lightened after that period. Ladies are beginning to wear a small black gauze veil over the face, and are in the habit of throwing the heavy crape veil back over the hate. It is also proper to wear a quiet black dress when going to a funeral, although not absolutely necessary. Friends may call on the bereaved family within a month, no expecting, of course to see them. Kind notes expressing sympathy are welcome from intimate friends; and flower, or any similar testimonial of sympathy, are thoughtful and appropriate.
Cards and note-paper are put in mourning, but very broad borders of black are in bad taste. A narrow border of black is correct. The use of handkerchiefs with a two-inch square of white cambric and a four-inch border of black is to be deprecated.
Mourning which soldiers, sailors, and couriers wear is pathetic and effective. A flag draped with crape, a gray cadet-sleeve with a black band, or a piece of crape about the left arm of a senator, a black weed on a hat, are in proper taste.
For light mourning, jet is used on silk, and makes a handsome dress.
Elegant dresses are made with jet embroidery on soft French crape, but lace is never "mourning." During half mourning, however, black lace may be work on white silk; but this is questionable. Diamond ornaments set in black enamel are allowed even in the deepest mourning, and also pearls set in black. Gold is never worn in mourning.
The Swedish kid glove is now much more in use for mourning, and the silk glove is made with such neatness and with such a number of buttons that it is equally stylish, and mush cooler and more agreeable. Mourning bonnets are worn rather larger than ordinary bonnets.
People of sense, of course, manage to dress without going to extremities in either direction. Exaggeration is to be deprecated in mourning as in everything. The discarding of mourning be effected by slow stages. It shocks persons of good taste to see a widow changed into colors hurriedly. if black is to be dispensed with, let its retirement be slowly and gracefully marked by quiet costumes, as the grief, yielding to time, is giving way to resignation and cheerfulness.
Before a funeral the ladies of a family see no one but the most intimate friends. The gentlemen, of course, see the clergyman and officials who manage the ceremony. It is now the almost universal practice to carry the remains to a church, where the friends of the family can pay the last tribute of respect without crowing into a private house. Pall-bearers are invited by note, and assemble at the house. They, accompanying the remains, after the ceremonies at the church, to their final resting-place. The nearest lady friends seldom go to the church or to the grave. This is, however, entirely a matter of feeling, and they can go if they with. After the funeral only the members of the family return to the house. It is not expected that a bereaved wife or mother will see any one other than the member of her family for several weeks.
All the preparations for a funeral in the house are committed to the care of an undertaker, who removes the furniture from the drawing-room, filling all the space possible with camp-stools. The clergyman reads the service at the head of the coffin, the relatives being grouped around. The body, if not disfigured by disease, is often dressed in the clothes worn in life, and laid in an open casket, as if reposing on a sofa, and all friends are asked to take a last look. The body of a man is usually dressed in black.
The custom of decorating the coffin with flowers is beautiful, but has been overdone, and now the request is frequently made that no flowers be sent. No one in mourning for a parent, child, brother, or husband, is expected to be seen at a concert, a dinner, a party, or at any other place of public amusement, before three months have passed. After that one may be seen at a concert. But to go to the opera, or a dinner, or a party, before six months have elapsed, is considered heartless and disrespectful. If one choose, as some do, to wear no mourning, then he can go, unchallenged, to any place of amusement, but if he put on mourning he must respect its etiquette.
A woman may wear mourning all her life if she choose, but it is a question where in so doing she does not injure the welfare and happiness of the living."
And here is an article from McCall's Magazine, January 1911 on the current mourning fashions:
As mentioned in both the book and the article, jet was the preferred material for jewelry and accessories. Jet is a fossilized wood from an ancestor of the Monkey Puzzle tree(
Araucaria araucana), known for its opaque black color, coining the term 'jet black'. It is sometimes called 'Whitby Jet' because large quantities are found in and near Whitby, England. Jet became predominant in mourning fashion when Queen Victoria started to wear it during the mourning of her husband Prince Albert in 1861, which lasted the rest of her life. Jet can be left in a duller state or polished to a shine, which was appropriate for stages of mourning that called for both finishes. Since true jet is somewhat rare and more expensive, there were numerous imitations, including French jet, which is black glass produced mostly in France, along with onyx, obsidian, and vulcanite/ebonite.
In my antiquing adventures I've seen my share of mourning pieces, including jet jewelry and black crepe clothing, but I've only added a few pieces to my collection that may have been used for mourning.
Circa 1900 bar pin, shown in more detail in
this post, is of a dull black material with seed pearls within. I hadn't thought this was for mourning until reading the book quoted above, which states:
"Diamond ornaments set in black enamel are allowed even in the deepest mourning, and also pearls set in black."
Circa 1900 buttons, made of black glass which I can assume is French jet.
Circa late 1800s brooch, my only sure example of jet, from England.
"One precious to our hearts has gone
The voice we loved is stilled,
The place made vacant in our home
Can never more be filled..."
Resources and Further Research:
Art of Mourning - A resource for memorial, mourning, sentimental jewelry and art
Identifying Black Materials Used in Victorian Jewelry
